I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Randomize
