I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
