not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I would ride that face into the sunset
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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