I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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