You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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