So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
i out mim tonsoeep
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
