I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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