No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
