I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
