i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize