I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
