Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
