Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
