So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
