I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
