The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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