I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
