I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
