Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
