Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
