When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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