Sry I called you an 8
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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