I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
