I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
