Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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