i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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