yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
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A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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