just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
