I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
