bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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