Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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