The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
