He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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