this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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