i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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