shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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