sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Im part way to drunk.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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