This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
