remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
