Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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