I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
