next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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