OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
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