I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
