you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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