a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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