well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
