I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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