Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
