you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
