mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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