Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
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I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
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We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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