and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
