He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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