how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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