I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
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My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
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Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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