he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
